Find Your Way to Peace of Mind Through Tough Conversations: A Guide to Talking to Family About Your Wishes

The path to peace of mind can be fraught with obstacles, but none of them are as difficult as having the tough conversation about your later in life wishes. The idea of talking to your closest family members about your wishes can be difficult for many reasons. Whether it’s facing your own mortality, causing emotional stress to those you love, or even just presenting an overwhelming challenge making all of those decisions - most individuals don’t approach it with much enthusiasm. 

While we know this can be uncomfortable and distressing for everyone involved, the sooner you have these conversations, the better. The “tough conversation” -- as we’ll call it -- involves a lot of complex issues, but having it while you're healthy and in control of making decisions will be beneficial to all involved.  Allowing everyone to relax and move towards enjoying the many years left for celebrating life. This is the path to peace of mind after tough conversations.

Reasons We Procrastinate Having Tough Conversations  

These conversations can be difficult for a number of reasons, however, no matter how difficult it may be now it will become substantially more so should you wait and have a sudden health change. 

Here are some common reasons we procrastinate and how to deal with them:

• “How do I start this difficult conversation without making everyone uncomfortable?”

• Focus On:

• How you’ll be alleviating your support system of highly stressful situations in the future. By ensuring your wishes are clearly expressed, you remove the burden from your loved ones and allow them to feel secure in communicating and following your preferences.

• The benefit of this conversation for both parties. Getting the discomfort out of the way can allow you to focus on more positive aspects of your relationship. 

• “Should I talk about my moral and spiritual believes during this conversation?”

• Focus On:

• Your spiritual and religious beliefs affect your perception of later in life care. And this expands further than burial preferences. This can involve attitudes about terminal disease, treatment decisions, and life support. Should you not be able to make decisions for yourself, letting your family know your later in life-plan will ensure your wishes are known when you cannot speak on your own behalf. Discussing these specifics will give you peace of mind that your moral and spiritual wishes will be understood and upheld.

• “How do I have this conversation without feeling like I’m giving up control?” 

• Focus On:

• The fact that sharing your later in life plan actually grants you MORE control. In the event you fall ill and can’t make decisions on your own, you run the risk of having someone make calls that don’t align with your own preferences. 

• Selecting someone you know and trust to make the right call for you.  Your decision-maker (or Power of Attorney) will make sure your choices are carried out, allowing you to stay in control.

Benefits of the Discussion

• You make the decisions

• Loved ones know what you want 

• Prevents confusion/hurt feelings/arguments amongst your family members

• A plan now prevents stress and chaos when a crisis occurs

Despite the many logical reasons we can all benefit from having this conversation early on, many of us still put it off. Understanding your own hesitation can be key to confronting it. 

Items to consider when preparing for the future

There is so much to consider it's easy to get overwhelmed. Your living will specifies what kinds of treatment and care you would or would not want in order to sustain life. Your durable power of attorney authorizes someone you trust to act as your representative and make medical decisions for you if you cannot make them for yourself. These are healthcare documents and do not include financial, estate, or business concerns. Advance directives are only useful if they are completed before a health crisis and are available when you are unable to speak for yourself. 

Here is a list of everything you will want to think about when making your plan.

 Legal Documents

•  Will

• Advanced Directives (living will)

• Durable Power of Attorney Finances

• Durable Power of Attorney Healthcare

Finances

• The complexity of distributing monetary gifts.

• The details surrounding hiring in-home care.

Living Arrangements

• Where do you want to be treated

• What kinds of treatments do you want to receive

• Under what conditions do you want to receive them

• Who should speak for you should you not be able

Funeral and Burial Arrangement

• What kind of funeral do you want

• Where do you want your funeral to be held

• Do you want a viewing

• How do you want to be buried or cremated

Who You Should Talk To

Ok, so you’ve decided to have the tough conversation. But who do you have the conversation with? That depends on your situation.

• If married - speak to each other first

• Children/ family members/trusted friends

• Financial planner

• Physician/ healthcare provider 

• Care coordinator 

How to Prepare Your Family

You're not the only person who is affected by the tough conversation. This conversation can be extremely distressing to your family, especially children. It is best to brace them so they can prepare. Let them know ahead of time that you want to talk to them and then do the following:

1. Decide who you want to be involved 

2. Set a place and time

3. Write down what points and goals you want to have covered

During the Conversation

It is important for you to stay calm, though experiencing emotions is normal. Since your family may have difficulty with the conversation, try to remain empathetic and caring while you do the following:

• Explain what you want to achieve

• Talk about your plan

• Involve your loved ones in the conversation

• Keep things calm and respectful

Walk the Path to Peace of Mind After the Tough Conversation

It’s time to talk the talk and walk the walk so you can be well on your way to peace of mind. In the long run, you are saving family and friends from making these decisions for you while they may be grieving. 

Now that you know your stuff, are you ready to have the Tough Conversation?